How to turn your breakdown into a break-thru? [A Case Study]
From the desk of Sacred Walker
August 21, 2013
Subtitle: Singing to the emptiness in her soul
The Second chance program is
where I spent most of my time; these clients have long term stays in the
hospital for up to two years, before transitioning to residential housing or
permanent state hospitals. The community there is close and spicy, like I like
them!
During our morning team
meetings, K's psychiatrist, social worker, and later another patient tell me K
would benefit from having a conversation with me. K is a mousy white woman with
blonde hair. She sits in the hallway staring off into her opposite facing room,
as if she saw past it and simultaneously saw nothing at all. I approach her
with gentleness.
"K, my name is Sacred. I
am from pastoral care. Can I take a moment to speak with you?"
She immediately tells me
"I like that name. You know all people are Sacred..." I immediately know
we are in for a deep and beautiful ride. Sitting with K, she tells me that she feels,
in short, like her soul has left her. She feels empty inside, that Jesus no
longer loves her because she had sex out of wedlock. She no longer feels the
presence of the Holy Spirit with her. She feels alone.
When we further unpack the
story, she had conflated the love and loss of a former lover, with the love of
God. She says "X is Jesus." She makes a man her God and when he leaves
her, she feels like God abandons her too. My heart pangs having had past
experiences which related to this feeling. I grew aware of my stuff and
approach with tenderness. I grow empathetic as this woman (diagnosed
schizophrenic) speaks of heart ache, a very relatable dis-ease. When we speak
further, she also says to me that God doesn't make junk. In that moment, I take
a risk... I asked her to repeat this. She says it again "God doesn't make
junk." I ask her "if God doesn't make junk, then you too are not
junk. The God I believe in doesn't throw people away. She doesn't make junk
either..." It was a risk, upon our first meeting. Yet, this resonated. There
were two ideas of love in her heart and head and they were in conflict- the one
that has left her and the one that would never throw her away. We sit in this
awareness together- in silence. And her emptiness and glare returned. I want to
take it slow again, so I return to where she is at, present to her feelings
emptiness.
I bring her attention back to
the hall. I ask her to put her hand on the spot that feels empty. She places
her hands on her heart and womb. Together, we send loving energy to those empty
spots. Slowly she massages, smiles, and cries. She is open to this. She places
her hands there, and begins to hum. I join her a spiritual. Together we smile.
Our time together went on for 30 more minutes. Together we gently unpack a
layer of her feelings. At the end of our time, I ask if I may pray, and invite
in the Holy Spirit, in honor of her wanting that self-love to return. In
closing I ask her "what is another way she connects with the Holy
Spirit?" and she answers through music, Celine Dion to be precise. I
share this with the team as my time there would soon come to a close, and in
order that she may continue to receive the best deeper therapeutic work she deserved,
music therapy perhaps. But what I did know was that I would bring music into
her life, even just for a day. I put that in my toolbox for our next interaction.
The next time we are set to
meet, she is groggy and can not check in. I speak to our medical team, and
devise a plan...
In the Spirit of therapeutic
closure, I decide to throw a going away party on the unit which doubles as a
closing party for our "Sacred Arts" Divine me book making project. The
whole unit of 30 clients are invited! The Goddess in me, admittedly, also wants
a way to feel celebrated. All win! I collaborate with the patient care
director, director of social work, patient care director, and psycho-social
rehab specialist to get as many people as possible to come. The Patient Care Director
and one Volunteer round up the ice cream sandwiches. I bring the music. And the
Goddess in me is so excited to celebrate my time at the hospital with our
clients. And yet, time is running out to close with Kathleen. Goddess has a
plan!
Through out the day, our
clients ask to be reminded of the party time. Anticipation is in the air!
3pm hit and it is party
time. K is no where to be found... I knock on K's door, telling
her to come out of bed as I have a surprise for her. She is lying down and
the grogginess of her meds are starting to wear off. She giggles, in a way like
I have never heard. I tell her to "come on" as if we are two school
girls. Other patients see us galloping lovingly down the hall, and follow us
into our group room. I open the door and surprise K. The song, "Because
you loved me" by Celine Dion is playing in the background. Suddenly, K
begins to laugh and cry. Others asked for songs, and I ask they take a seat. First
it is K's special moment. Suddenly, out comes another side of K. This mousy pulled
inward young woman begins to sing and dance. I looked into her eyes with care,
and join her. Laughter fills the room. The love in my heart sings to the
emptiness in hers. And Goddess is there, as us. She dances, and dances, and
dances. More patients join as we twirl around the room. Others begin to twirl
too. I am overjoyed in this beautiful moment. Magic swirls around us. Music is
her bridge to her healing. The patient care director is startled at her
responsive. And as the song ends, she sits, arms crossed. Head upright. A
little less mousy, a little more loved, a little less afraid of being alone.
That was the kick off to our
group closing party. K's moment open up other patients to make Spotify
song requests. Ice cream sandwiches are passed around. Paper napkins wipe
chocolate smeared adult mouths. 2nd'es, 3rd's, and 4th's are had. (Inner
children are set free and cared for!) We even got to sing one of the patient's
happy birthday, and officially close out. Our patient care director declares
our party is a complete success.
*
My heart sings reflecting on
this moment. It teaches me that "because you loved me" by Celine
Dion can speak to places in people that psychotropic meds cannot, and psychotropic
meds can heal in ways that dance can't reach. Holistic mean, both work to mend
and make one whole.
*
K allows her heart to be sung
to. I am honored to have ushered the spirit of play and music that day. I pray
this gift, in my closing, becomes a gift that keeps on giving.
As I exited, K's last words
are that she is sad at not being able to get to know me better, longer. Although
I am not able to continue with K, I remind her of her own words, "We are
all Sacred." I remind her that every time she ushers in the Spirit of God into
her empty places, and sing to her broken open heart and womb, she honors the
Sacred in herself. In that way, I am always with her and she with me. In that
way, our dance lives on!
I pray in the secret caverns
of my heart that she may continue to receive encouragement through music. I
also pray that she may re-learn ways of relating that put her connection to God
above that of an abandoned lover. I know this all will take time. I dedicate my
next dance to her. Her courage inspires my own!
Ache, Amen, and So it is!
Concluding in the Spirit of transparency:
Through this experience I was
able to see how your investment comes full circle. Your investing in me as a
woman helps me invest in other women, men, children, everyday. Thank you for
giving the gift that keeps on giving!
In love and thanksgiving.
* Disclaimer: This post is not an endorsement of this organization, and more so shares professional opinions. This report is an op-ed piece, and encourages those specifically seeking more info to to make the most informed decisions from a wide range of perspectives, with this as one of many. I encourage those seeking similar kinds of care to find the best fit for you unique needs. I hope this piece is both informative and enjoyable.
Thank you for coming. Please check out other posts on my website, of interest.
Appreciations as well for being an integral part of the Kuumba Holistic Healing Project's growing community.
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