NYPH Chronicles: A Woman's Hope? [Co-created with an inpatient on her way out]

Story 2: A Woman's Hope? Goddess rising...*
* This is written in honor of a special woman on the unit who co-created this with me, 
before she was discharged. Blessings on your journey, your seeds help bless others.

I lead a group on the women’s unit called “A woman’s hope?” The unit team mentioned to me that a number of women are struggling with suicidal ideation. They are having a hard time with finding their sense of grounded-ness, their sense of hope. I decide to title the group, “A woman’s hope?” in order to create a space that is open and welcoming to feelings of hope and spaces of hopelessness.
I bring my Indian gong and we start the group with a silent meditation. We then follow with reading the poem “And still I rise” by Maya Angelou. Literally as the poem is being read, women begin to sob. Lines about "did you want to see me broken. Bowed head and lowered eyes...?" resonate, seen in the eyes of many women. Other lines that resonate are “that I dance like I've got diamonds at the meetings of my things...” This is so powerful to bear witness to.


We open up our discussion. I have a rapport with many of the women in the room, so I gently enter where my intuition guides me to enter. I ask "where do you see hopelessness in this poem and how can you relate to it?" Stories open about people feeling pushed down and discouraged. Some women are able to find insight into the fact that they had negative people surrounding them that increase their feelings of brokenness. Another woman describes that the day she showed up at the hospital, was the day that she thought was her last. She did not want to live. Another woman speaks of feeling like she was at the bottom of the barrel, and that every time she tried to climb out; someone came along and threw more dirt on top of her in that hole. Another woman spoke of the feeling of being stigmatized with mental illness. She says that every time she goes away on vacation, someone in her family would comment that she had gone to the “nuthouse” again. She feels traps in her label. She feels like she is not being seen for who and whose she is, a child of God. She wants to be outside of the box of only being identified by her illness. 

I affirm the stories I hear, and honor our circle of resilient women. And the stories continue to out pour, with loving yet firm encouragement. One woman wanted to jump in front of a train before she got there. Another young women, aged 20, spoke of the hospital being heaven compared to her formerly abusive home. I honor the resiliency in their stories and the pain in their hearts as real. We honor all the many stories, different yet connected. It was one of the most powerful experiences for me to bear witness to, and many women learn aspects of their neighbors lives that they did not other spaces to genuinely delve into.

I ask them to put their hands on the parts of their bodies that feel hopeless. Over time, we move through hopelessness into sharing hope. I ask them to identify who or what shows up as sources of hope for them. I invite them put their hands on the parts of their body that felt or needed hope. They invite this turn and expressed interest in hope increasing in their life. I invite them to take a moment to send love to that part that needs more hope. Women place their hands on their heads, hearts, womb, belly, shoulders, and some around their neck. We sit there and massage and many healing tears flow. (For those familiar with her work...) It was an Iyanla Vanzant "My soul just opened up moment." Some women yearn to push forward and don't know how. Depression shifts one sense of agency, one's sense of control over how the world is experiences, as many of us know...Others state say this was one of the realest groups they have had in the hospital since they’d been there. They don't want to be boxed in either, even though they are receiving mental health care; they wanted to be free from labels and stereotypes. One woman doesn't want to just be seen as another Latina who is going to be drinking and smoking a blunt, they long to be more than the labels that demonize them. They speak of wanting to be the person that they are, not the person who is only hopeless.

I take a chance, and pull out my drama therapy training tool kit. I invite them to stand up, and introduce themselves with a sound and movement. We begin the journey of presenting how we want to be seen. Then I invite them to mold their partners, as if they were a sculpture in the museum. The laughter at the invitation to play fills the room. I invite them to sculpt their partner as a Goddess. Soon, they go around looking at each others' live Goddess models. They do a beautiful job; their inner children came alive in play and Spirit heals in the play space. We each give a label to our sculptors.

Out come names like: “Amazonian woman,” “Bodhisattva (Spiritual Warrior),” “Indian Goddess,” “Resilient Love” etc. These titles resonate with the women, their peers connect with the way they want to be seen. Hope shifts to moments of hopefulness, a bit at a time. To close the group, we create poems. I instruct that the opening prompt is: “The Goddess in me finds hope in/ gains hope from…” and they are instructed to finish the sentence with “and still I rise.” Outpours our groups powerful collective piece. I remind them that we are all our own Maya Angelou’s. That even poetic greats like her, have gone through trauma, felt hopeless, and found courage while struggling with what it meant to be a woman and alive. It was a powerful day! Together, we landed. They, taking their poems home as bookmarks and affirmations of their resilient journeys. And me filled with the love of being of service, inspiring hope to them and myself.

A few days later, the social work supervisor and nursing management director on the women's unit give me cards and praise that fill my heart. They too were touched by our journey together. It is surely a mutual blessing- all around, that I continue to reflect on! I will be missed, and they surely will too.
I am so inspired by that unit of women's resiliency, and my own...

Then I came home to program and program related fees being overdue. It hit me that while I was inspiring others to feel hope, I wasn't being real with myself. I wasn't being honest about the way that being here in Westchester, without a way to financially support myself or sustain my business. Without knowing where my next paycheck was going to come from, brought me a certain amount of hopelessness or feelings of helplessness. There is also hope on this horizon. My next steps are to build my career, secure my housing, work towards my doctorate application, and strengthen the foundation of my business. With this manifestation, I hope to step more fully into my calling and deeper commitment to serving our community(ies).

I had to stop hiding behind the mask of what it means to be a Goddess, and step into my own realization that being a Goddess also meant being able to receive, even when I am afraid to ask again. I trust my work, this work in collaboration with others, is pivotal. So community, thank you for investing in me. And I might fall again, just as you might fall again, but I am praying that together, I.. WE TO SHALL RISE!.

Concluding in the Spirit of transparency:

Through this experience I was able to see how your investment comes full circle. Your investing in me as a woman helps me invest in other women, men, children, everyday. Thank you for giving the gift that keeps on giving!

In love and thanksgiving.

* Disclaimer: This post is not an endorsement of this organization, and more so shares professional opinions. This report is an op-ed piece, and encourages those specifically seeking more info to to make the most informed decisions from a wide range of perspectives, with this as one of many.  I encourage those seeking it to find the best fit for your unique needs. I hope this piece is both informative and enjoyable.

Thank you for coming. Please check out other posts on my website, of interest.

Appreciations as well for being an integral part of the Kuumba Holistic Healing Project's growing community.

To unsubsribe to this e mail listserve, send an e mail to kuumbaproject@gmail.com, with the word "unsubscribe" in the subject post.